How to discuss rough sex has, of course, some pre-requisites that are essential to both partners. So lets just get right down to it. For starters:
Both partners must agree to it (Sexual Intercourse)
Both parties must agree to a no harm policy
Both parties must agree to openness…this can’t be the only way we have sex
I like to put the bottom line up front so that no one mistakes these golden rules as we move forward. I miss the days of discussing the fine details of the “How-to” with my partner and renowned Atlanta Sex Therapist Stefanie Hughes, LMFT, CST, Cht. Stefanie and I will be returning in the near future to doing our popular podcast on these tough topics, but for now I’ll have to tackle this tough, but common question solo.
The singer R-Kelly once wrote a song titled “Bump and Grind” his opening verse is as follows:
My mind is tellin’ me no but my body, my body’s tellin’ me yes
Baby, I don’t want to hurt nobody
But there is something that I must confess (to you)…
Yes! You should confess. The enjoyment of rough sex, is one of those such confessions. Disclaimer: This is not a first date conversation. Perhaps not even a second, third, fourth date conversation…yet it needs to be a conversation at some point. The enjoyment of rough sex is NOT a sign of dysfunction within itself. There are moments in a couple’s sexual journey where they will prefer quick sex, slow sex, tender candle light and slow music sex, oral only sex, I had a rough day and I just need a release sex and whatever other kind of sex that is best to sooth the current moment with a dopamine fix.
Rough Sex is not inherently dysfunctional unless you find that this is the only way you can be aroused or have an orgasm…
Sexual intimacy and preference exposes one to vulnerable moments. If you’re in a romantic situation where being vulnerability with your partner is taboo…then sex isn’t the biggest issue on your plate. If this applies to you then do pass GO! Don’t collect $200. Go back to the start and invest in a good Emotionally Focused Therapist or Certified Sex Therapist to work out the kinks first… before you explore kinky. Communication between lovers is paramount for continued success. While sex and finances may top the list of “why couples come to therapy”…inherently I find there is typically an issue with vulnerability and emotional closeness that leads to the distance, which in turn makes sex talk difficult.
While sex and finances may top the list of “why couples come to therapy”…inherently I find there is typically an issue with vulnerability and emotional closeness that leads to the distance, which in turn makes sex talk difficult.
Rough sex is not inherently dysfunctional unless you find that this is the only way you can be aroused or
have an orgasm…if so, you may want to explore deeper seated compulsive or restrictive behavioral issues with your therapist. Sex should be a positive and exciting practice for both partners. The discussion regarding the strong desire for rough sex with a partner who is just not into it at all is a conversation best had before deeper commitments are established. …Or you may have to resign from this pleasure for the duration of this relationship. Going into a relationship with a certain desire while hoping the other party with change has its risk; some worth taking if you’re okay with either outcome.
Whichever your decision, to have or not to have rough sex…if that is the question, should be an open unbiased conversation. If your partner feels that they will be harshly judged, criticized or punished then it’s just not safe for them to have this conversation with you. Listening is an art. The best of us can listen like painting a Picasso (or like a Therapist). Go slow with this conversation and listen for doubts and concerns. Speak to the doubt and concern first. Once the doubts and concerns are addressed and your partner gives the green…Proceed to ripping off clothing and gentle hair pulling. ENJOY!